Please enjoy a selection of my writing

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency:

• Sexy Valentine’s Day Date Ideas That Honor the Life and Faith of Saint Valentine

• This Fantasy Hero’s Destiny Can Wait, He Needs Some Me Time

• I’m Quitting My Job as a Medieval Serf to Pursue My Passion

Points in Case:

• How to Fold a Fitted Sheet

• Why Your End-of-Year Bonus Is a Pet Rock

• To Thank You for Being My Gladiators, I’m Providing Cupcakes

• Tasting Notes of Cocktails You Will Not Be Ordering

• A Referance Lettr 4 my Firrst Grayde Teecher 4 Ur Aplebeeez Summr Brake Serving Job

• An Evening at an Exclusive Jazz Club or an Evening Being Interrogated by Guerillas?

Weekly Humorist:

• A 4/20 Sesh or a Kids’ Easter Egg Hunt?

• An Open Letter to the Lady in the Park Offering “Free Tantalizing Foot Massage”

• A Letter to My Younger Self of a Few Weeks Ago About Our New Year’s Resolutions

• Subscribe to “The Gospel According to Matthew” Substack

• Give the Neighborhood Kids a Good Scare With This Genuine Rotting Corpse

• FAQ for When Your Man Buys a Home Brew Kit

• What Your Therapist’s Couch Says About Them

Slackjaw:

• All You Need To Bake Sourdough At Home Is Three Ingredients And An Unbelievably Long List Of Tools

• Three-Year-Old Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs

• Dating Profiles Of Coffee

• In The Metaverse, We’re Building A Better Fake World

• As An Economist, I Understand The Economy Just As Well As A Non-Economist

• A List Of Self-Improved Monsters

• This Algorithmically Optimized Mindfulness App Makes You Feel Much Better

• Your Color Theory Is Impressive, But At This Design Studio We Only Ever Wear Black

• Outta My Way Pipsqueak, I’m The Hectic Middle-Aged Parkour Dude In The Kid’s Playground

Frazzled:

• 8 Habits to Start Your Day Right Except if You’re a Parent and This Article Starts Your Day Wrong

• Mwahaha, I’m The Evil Genius Who Created The Kiddie Ride

• Your Parental Spotify Wrapped

• The Most Relatable Episode of Bluey Yet

• Dear Customer Service, Why Aren’t You Responding To My Urgent Crib Queries In The Middle Of The Night?

• The Big Life Questions that Keep Me (and My Parents) Awake and Crying Through the Night

• Report: Child’s Sleep Regression Correlates with Father’s Hairline Regression